: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
