I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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