About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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