Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize