dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My vagina just recognized that song.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
