girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
