On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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