i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
