I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
