you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
