just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
