Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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