the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
