He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
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It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
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He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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