I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
