If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
