Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
