Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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