I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize