How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
This is classic penis vs brain.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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