Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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