I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
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You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
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You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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