The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
