Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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