I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
