Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
