Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
