I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
