Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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