I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
This is my gift to your gina
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
