The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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