after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
nutella sex= disaster
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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