i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
zippers are such a cool invention
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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