i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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