i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
