My underwear smells like fireworks.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
