My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Sorry my hands just texted you
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
