in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
