Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
