i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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