Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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