i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Randomize
