i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Green mimosas i think yes
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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