I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
