Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
