Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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