There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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