I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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