You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize