You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
