Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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