btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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