You really coming over, don't trick.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
