I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
